Afterword

Minimeep had just finished reading The Evolution and History of Spottyland when Stripey said it was bedtime. Bertie bookworm eyed the volume, it looked really tasty. And so, the adventures continue...

Day 100

It was Queen Vicky's Jubilee in 1897. There were great celebrations all over Spottyland. The Queen herself was forced to sit on a shockingly bare legged throne with her faithful whippet Mr Brown for 51/2 hours watching her processing people, and all without a single visit to her new deluxe flushing water closet. She was not in the slightest bit amused and couldn't wait to get back to her knitting on the Isle of Wight. 

Day 99

The invention of the telephone was a wonderful thing. The first models allowed one to shout at each other from the next room without opening the door. 

Day 98

The first typewriters were unwieldy beasts, designed to type only 'short paw', as hitting the keys accurately with a large mallet was difficult to master. 

Day 97

The whole Pre Raphaelite movement can be blamed on their disdain for corsets, and bare furniture legs. Although some found their wafting through the world insufferable, soon more and more foxes abandoned restrictive underwear, heralding the modern age. 

Day 96

Young Lady Grace Fitzroy de Montesquieu was so shocked by seeing a bare chair leg at the Great Exhibition that she got through ten packets of smelling salts and took to her bed for a week before she dared emerge back into the drawing room. 

Day 95

When she came back to Spottyland, Florence loved going out of an evening dispensing foul tasting medicinal gloop to the local urchins. It isn't clear what the urchins thought about this but the phrase "'ere comes the gloop lady!" became synonymous with "run for your life!"

Day 94

Without his new friend Louie the Llama, Charles would never have developed his theory of evolution. They spent weeks arguing about it on the long voyage back from South America. Fortunately Louie was very easy going as long as he got a double espresso in the morning. 

Day 93

One of the least known appointments to Queen Victoria's household was Official Mover of the Crinoline. It took great skill to manoeuvre  Her Royal Highness through doorways and corridors designed for less ample skirtage. 

Day 92

Little Jimmy Watt was a fretful baby. Whenever it got too much Mrs Watt would sit him in front of the fire to watch the kettle boiling, it seemed to soothe him immediately, and he would happily watch the rising steam for hours. 

Day 91

Sir Isaac Newton liked taking a nice quiet snooze under his favourite apple tree after lunch. That is until a gang of pesky squirrels started pelting him with apples every time he went there. That forced him to get down and do some serious work in his study. 

Day 90

The 18th Century ushered in the beginnings of scientific exploration, especially in agriculture. Two unfortunate results of this were the Grumpy Stinkfruit and the Carousing Cromer Carrot, their descendants can still be seen in the back bars and unsavoury quarters of big cities. 

Day 89

After the Elizabethan age the famous tap-dancing entertainer Jack O'Bean rose to the top of his career and gave his name to a whole new era of his own. 

Day 88

Fox yoga poses

1 I wish I hadn't eaten so much at lunch

2 That's it, I've broken my back

3 I'm going to fall over any minute

4 Meditation... What can I have for supper, I'll have to go shopping, did I leave the oven on, oh no, I forgot to water the plants, I must....and B R E A T H E....

Day 87

Spotty fox wanted to remind me that whatever else happens we can still leap and jump around just for the joy of it....

Day 86

Queen Lizzie was very fond of having her portrait painted. She was also very careful of her appearance. It took a bucket of foundation and a vat of powder to get her arranged to her satisfaction. Master Shakespeare did very well out of it. 

Day 85

William Shakespeare did indeed write a few successful plays, but the Bard of Avon was much better known in his day as a successful door to door salesman of Ye Cosmetics. 

Day 84

When William Caxton invented his printing press he had high hopes of being able to publish edifying and educational volumes for the benefit of the populace. Instead they only wanted to read scandalous and scurrilous broadsheets about the goings on of the aristocracy. William sighed, and went to live on a remote island. 

Day 83

Henry and Richard were keen gardeners. They favoured red and white roses respectively and often had fierce arguments about which was better. Eventually it got so bad that they hit each other on the head for about a week shouting and yelling at each other until Looloobell the court cow came into the garden and steadily munched her way through all the blooms, never mind their colour. And that was the end of the war of the roses. 

Day 82

Medieval fashion part 3

Of course there was still sacking. It was now cheap and the more sacking one wore the lower the status. For example here we have Master Edmund Slitchbroiler and his Goodwife Enid, purveyors of Basse Cuisine in the dock lands. Being almost respectable merchants, they could wear a linen shift beneath their compulsory sacking outer garments.

Day 81

Medieval Fashion part 2

Ladies at court were obliged to wear hats at all times. They provided safe havens for fleas and could be used to spear down objects on the higher shelves in ones wardrobe. One needed quite a few as they crumpled quite easily at night and took an age to uncrease; that is until court decreed that one had to sleep sitting up. 

Day 80

Medieval Fashion part 1

Here Englefrith and Gwilliam are modelling the latest in court garments, Augustine St Laurent Spring collection 1222. Once stitched into these sumptuous clothes they are hardy enough for at least two years of continuous wear. 

Day 79

The first thing King William did was to order an inventory of everything in the Kingdom. Counting the fleas was the worst. The Anglo-Saxons called it the Doomsday book for good reason, as from now on they were doomed to eat croissants, delicious pastries and baguettes for breakfast every day. 

Day 78

Don't believe a stitch of the Bayeux tapestry propaganda, the fate of Spottyland was decided by a dastardly duel on the beach between Harold and William. The referee crab decided the invader had won when Harold hit himself in the eye and had to concede. 

Henceforth William of Norsemandy declared himself William the Conkerer. 

Day 77

William of Norsemandy was in a bad mood that morning. The castle had run out of coffee and his morning baguette was late. He sat watching the White Cliffs of Spottyland longingly, perhaps he would get better service over there. 

Day 76

Interlude

Imagine if you will, a beautifully peaceful sunny day, a light breeze, the Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams, Vikings and Anglo-Saxons happily frolicking together in flower-filled meadows, sheep gently munching on the grasslands of the South Downs...a bucolic idyll in Spottyland. 

Day 75

The Venerable Bede ( also known as Old Beady because he always had his eyes in some dusty manuscript or other ) was so annoyed when his candle sputtered out for the fifth time that night that he gave up on writing the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle and just called it all the Dark Ages. 

Day 74

The Vikings and the Anglo-Saxons  fought a fierce tug-of-war over the Isles of the Britons, while the original inhabitants themselves sensibly retreated West, played harps in Wales and did a bit of fishing and tin mining in Cornwall. Eventually the Anglo-Saxons won, but that was only because the Viking at the end of the rope got distracted by a young lady from Yorvik. 

Day 73

The truth about the Vikings 4

After long hard Winters rattling ( literally) around together with all the in laws and kids in a stuffy long house, Viking women had had truly enough of their men, and sacking clothes. So they sent them off a-Viking to get out from under their feet and to get nice silk undies brought back from Frankia at the end of the summer.